Spongebob Squarepants

Just a couple pics from the party. It's my Bean and my bub. Me and the other one is me and Ann. The party was a roit! It was so awesome. WE had like 30 people here.
Anyways, just wanted to put up a couple pics.
I'll write more later... my head is killing me!

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

Well...Hi. Things are going alright. I talked to our therapist (provided by CPS) and our CPS worker. They both are going to close our case on the 5th of August. They said we have done everything and everything looks good.
Somehow the therapist has got Seth out looking for a job. I am trying to be supportive. He expects me to shout it from the rooftops that he got an interview. But this isn't the first time he has got a job. He's fine with working until the money has to go to bills. So I am being supportive, reserved, but still supportive.
Saturday is my Bean's 2nd birthday! Right now she is all about Spongebob. It is going to be awesome. I painted a spongebob and cut the face out so we can take pics of the kids. I painted a giant pineapple to play pin the sponge in his house.
Plus limbo and a shit load of bubbles. lol
God, it's going to be great!
I downloading all the spongebob music from the shows and some Harry Bellafonte and beach boys. I can't wait for Saturday!!!

So that's all that is really going on. Things will Seth have been okay. I haven't told him yet. But I think he knows....
When we have sex he spends the whole time describing Story to me or someone else. And all these details.
It ends up making me cry... Like it's weird. I am nowhere and then he starts telling me about some great night making out with a girl and taking her home... and so on. By then I....Well I just explode.... But I end up crying. I think it's out of the guilt. Guilt that I haven't told him. Or guilt cause....
Well shit I raised Catholic...I should just naturally have anot of guilt. lol

I don't know if I mentioned my sister on here.... She's out of job corps. She has her own apartment and a boyfriend. She has no food so she and her bf stay at my house all the time. Today I had to go to the food pantry. It was embarassing. But I just needed a little help to make it till the end of the month. I made gucii man (Her bf) go with me. He still don't have a job. It's sad. He is alot like Seth. The games, the lies...Ann is terrified of ending up like me. I don't blame her. She has watched this go on for all 6 years. I'm scared too.

Fear of the unknown....

So that's it for now. Gotta eat dinner and watch Harper Valley PTA.. haha.

Stinkfist

Something has to change.
Un-deniable dilemma.
Boredom's not a burden
Anyone should bear.

Constant over stimu-lation numbs me
but I would not want you
any other way.

It's not enough.
I need more.
Nothing seems to satisfy.
I don't want it.
I just need it.
To breathe, to feel, to know I'm alive.

Finger deep within the borderline.
Show me that you love me and that we belong together.
Relax, turn around and take my hand.

I can help you change
Tired moments into pleasure.
Say the word and we'll be
Well upon our way.

Blend and balance
Pain and comfort
Deep within you
Till you will not want me any other way.

It's not enough.
I need more.
Nothing seems to satisfy.
I don't want it.
I just need it.
To breathe, to feel, to know I'm alive.

Knuckle deep inside the borderline.
This may hurt a little but it's something you'll get used to.
Relax. Slip away.

Something kinda sad about
the way that things have come to be.
Desensitized to everything.
What became of subtlety?

How can this mean anything to me
If I really don't feel anything at all?

I'll keep digging till
I feel something.

Elbow deep inside the borderline.
Show me that you love me and that we belong together.
Shoulder deep within the borderline.
Relax. Turn around and take my hand.

There is just something about this song... I can see many ways to interpret it but, the numbness. The numbness is what sticks out to me. The over stimulation.
I am so used to hurt and pain. I have felt it and lived it my whole life. And it has a numb effect on me. Death and suicide are my obsessions, cause someday they will save me from the hurt and pain.
Everyone looks down on me for this, for my depression. But I don't know another way. And if I found another way, would it change anything? Would it change me and who I am? Why can't I be loved for being this way.
Sometimes I think I do need to change. I'm so down and out sometimes that it seems pointless to try, but what if I did.
I found a girl, my Story, that makes me so happy. But even with her suicide is on my mind. What would it take to change me? To make me a happy person, proud to be alive?
....
....
....
Really? I just don't know. I think I like being me. I live being numb and plotting my demise.

Jane