Everything changes

She hasn't talked to me in three days. Shed said i make her feel bad because I hurt that she goes back to him, and sometimes I make comments that sound mean. I am sorry I didn't mean to. Please talk to me. I working so hard to just put away my feelings and not say anything that will hurt her.
I only want to make things better for her, not worse. I worry that having her around Seth will make things worse for her. I couldn't live with myself if he ever hurt her like he did me. But I know I can take care of her if she would just let me.
Everything else is crap. lol Not really. I quit smoking for over a month now. I got my surgery. It's the nineteenth of April. So that is a good thing.
I guess that is it for now.
I miss her.
I wish she would call me.

Lesbian

I am torturing myself. LOL Story is sick, which is my fault she came over last weekend when my kids were sick and she always gets it ten times worse than anyone else. She has been down and out for a week now. I feel like a part of me is missing when she is not around.
Me, her and Ann are supposed to go to a bridal show Sunday, but it all depends if Story feels any better. I gave her a promise ring, I had is whole shpeel of crap I wanted to say when I gave it to her, but it was weird with Seth there and I chickened out. I never even told her it was a promise ring.
I wrote her the poem she asked me for, I actually quite excited to read it to her. I'll post it here tonight or tomorrow.
Ann took pictures of us that came out awesome!!! But for Story's protection I can't post them yet. Maybe someday. She, once again gave me permission to take pics of her....those kinda pics. I wouldn't exploit them in any way, they would only be mine. But by the time we got home Seth and are were arguing and it fell through....again. I am so bummed out. She would do the most beautiful pictorials!!
Anyways.... Ohhh I got a new tat. The lesbian symbol, the two circles with the cross..it's like that only it is shaped into a heart. I want her name on me but I am not sure how she would feel about that. I'll wait.
And stupid me...I watched the L word for the first time...and now I am obsessed with that too. And it sucks to, it just makes me miss her more. But shane...
OMG..HAve you seen Shane in the L word?? Wow I am obsessed. lol Even my straight sister is in love.
It is mostly her personality on the show, but from I see she is quite the same in real life. Very independent and free willed.
She has taken a spot next to my Story in the vivid fantasies that fill my head.
Okay well that's it for now, off to watch more L Word....How fucking cliche

Okay...

Okay...Well here it is, another day. I made it through my first semester of college!!! And with a 3.7 GPA...not bad! Second semester is not going as well, but it's okay. I am aproved again for my surgery. We will set the date in a couple days!!

Seth....IDK we are the same ole same ole. Nothing really had changed. I just choose not to notice most the time. Bubby is in school and loving it, though he is sick right now with a bad fever. Bean is...well Bean is Bean. Snotty, stuck up, don't listen, gives me big kisses and sings to me kinda girl! lol She is great.

Story..wow that one needs it's own post..I'll get to it after my homework is done. He is my girl and I as madly in love with her as I ever was. She is coming to stay the weekend. I am nervous, but it will be the best to get to have her in my arms again.

And that is about it for now. I got a test I gotta take.. And gotta get back in the swing of life.

It's not all bad

Sometimes..okay all the time...I forget to write about the good things. Nothing is like it used to be. So to update on Seth... We still have some issues, but for the last 3 weeks we have been working a new tactic and it's working. Seth is also going to school and it gives us some time apart. First of that really helps! lol We were together all the time, everyday. So this way we get a break. Not only that but now Bub is in school too and Bean stays with a sitter while we are at school, so the time we do spend together is spent together and not chasing kids around.
We fought quite a bit about the computer and all the video games, but that has cut way down too. I have decided that we have enough shit and me digging for more isn't helping. I do still get on him a bit, when we are doing family stuff and he won't get off. but he is getting better. Yesterday we made snowmen and candy canes and little decorations for the windows with the kids and he was all involved. That was great.
We really have been working together to make things work and stick to the things the therapist said. And things have been pretty good.
The whole deal with Story....yeah that's it's own shit. She is a woman and she has got her own shit going on. It doesn't change the fact that I love her, cause I do. She confuses me, but I am learning to deal with that. I have my own life to worry about and she has hers.
The thing about this blog is that other than you that do read it occasionally no one in my life does..so it's one of those things I can just word vomit what ever is in my head. I will try to remember to put the good things to, cause things are really different than they were.
The puppy play...I'm not upset about it. I know what would happen. But it was worth a shot. I Seth is not capable of being dominate or anything like that. And yeah, it's taken me a a while but that is how it is and I have stopped pushing it. It is what it is.

I am working on my diet for the surgery and that sucks ass. I am starving and getting headaches everyday. But I have decided I have to buck the fuck up and do it now or it's not going to happen. So I am having my final meal for lunch today..but even that is kinda healthy. Artichoke pizza on thin crust..ohhh it's so yummy!
So off to do the last minute homework!

HAHA I've had a lot to drink tonight......here is my video

Far Away

Story sent me this song. I wanted to add it in here so I didn't forget it.

Girls are to confusing

Yeah so Zero lasted a total of 20 minutes. It was all for sex, but it's okay I wasn't surprised. Story came over this weekend! Seth went and stayed at my sisters house and my sister came and stayed with me and Story for the night. It was okay. There is really nothing to do at my house so it's kinda boring. We did a complete walk through of the house smudging and blessing it. I think whatever was here is gone, it feels a lot better already. We were supposed to do a spell and banish it from the house but by the time the kids got to sleep I don't think Story felt up to it. Plus the youngest were a bit restless.
An old friend of hers came online and we spent most the night talking to him. It kinda sucks. I want nothing more than to get t o be close to her and when I have her there is someone else. We talked to him online most the night and he called and talked to her on the phone for a couple hours. It's a confusing spot to be in. I love her and she deserves to be happy. And it so nice to see her smile and be all giggly. She says she is that way with me, but she's not. I mean we laugh and we have a good time. But she has never gotten all giggly and smiley like she did while she was on the phone.
She knew how I felt. She always does. And then she felt bad and guilt and all this. I told her the truth. She is stuck in an unhappy marriage and stuck in the house with kids all day. She deserves to be happy, even if it's not me that can make her happy. She started telling me how much she loves me and that if things were different she would be with me. I didn't think anything of it at first, but then she kept repeating it. We finally went to bed me on my side and her on her side. I was to afraid to even hold her.
The kids went to church Sunday and her and I talked. I asked why she kept saying that, but every time she would start to answer me a kid would interrupt or my sister would come in. Finally they left and we talked. I told ehr I didn't know if she was saying it just to reassure me or if she was telling me without tell me that we couldn't be any more than friends. She said both.
...
...
...
I just don't know what to do with this information. When she got her I took a shower and she washed my hair for me and we kissed and it was so sweet and intimate and then she says this. What do I do with this. I tried to get her to explain better but it didn't happen and I didn't want to her that she only wanted to be friends so I changed the subject and didn't listen. But I am so fucking confused....She doesn't want to be with me because of her situation. And she doesn't want to get close like that again cause she doesn't want to get hurt or have to risk pushing me again. Fucking Seth....Everything was perfect until he ruined it. I hate him. He has to take away everything good I have.
So in the end I don't where things are now. She says we can't be more than friends, but she loves me more than a friend. I don't get it. All I have ever tried to do is love her and let her know that someone cares.
I don't get it..I know I keep saying that, but it's true...I don't. And it's not a matter of sex. Not at all. I love how intimate things can be when there isn't any. I could love her the rest of my life without sex being an issue. I don't think she realizes what I'd do for her.