It's not all bad

Sometimes..okay all the time...I forget to write about the good things. Nothing is like it used to be. So to update on Seth... We still have some issues, but for the last 3 weeks we have been working a new tactic and it's working. Seth is also going to school and it gives us some time apart. First of that really helps! lol We were together all the time, everyday. So this way we get a break. Not only that but now Bub is in school too and Bean stays with a sitter while we are at school, so the time we do spend together is spent together and not chasing kids around.
We fought quite a bit about the computer and all the video games, but that has cut way down too. I have decided that we have enough shit and me digging for more isn't helping. I do still get on him a bit, when we are doing family stuff and he won't get off. but he is getting better. Yesterday we made snowmen and candy canes and little decorations for the windows with the kids and he was all involved. That was great.
We really have been working together to make things work and stick to the things the therapist said. And things have been pretty good.
The whole deal with Story....yeah that's it's own shit. She is a woman and she has got her own shit going on. It doesn't change the fact that I love her, cause I do. She confuses me, but I am learning to deal with that. I have my own life to worry about and she has hers.
The thing about this blog is that other than you that do read it occasionally no one in my life does..so it's one of those things I can just word vomit what ever is in my head. I will try to remember to put the good things to, cause things are really different than they were.
The puppy play...I'm not upset about it. I know what would happen. But it was worth a shot. I Seth is not capable of being dominate or anything like that. And yeah, it's taken me a a while but that is how it is and I have stopped pushing it. It is what it is.

I am working on my diet for the surgery and that sucks ass. I am starving and getting headaches everyday. But I have decided I have to buck the fuck up and do it now or it's not going to happen. So I am having my final meal for lunch today..but even that is kinda healthy. Artichoke pizza on thin crust..ohhh it's so yummy!
So off to do the last minute homework!

HAHA I've had a lot to drink tonight......here is my video

Far Away

Story sent me this song. I wanted to add it in here so I didn't forget it.

Girls are to confusing

Yeah so Zero lasted a total of 20 minutes. It was all for sex, but it's okay I wasn't surprised. Story came over this weekend! Seth went and stayed at my sisters house and my sister came and stayed with me and Story for the night. It was okay. There is really nothing to do at my house so it's kinda boring. We did a complete walk through of the house smudging and blessing it. I think whatever was here is gone, it feels a lot better already. We were supposed to do a spell and banish it from the house but by the time the kids got to sleep I don't think Story felt up to it. Plus the youngest were a bit restless.
An old friend of hers came online and we spent most the night talking to him. It kinda sucks. I want nothing more than to get t o be close to her and when I have her there is someone else. We talked to him online most the night and he called and talked to her on the phone for a couple hours. It's a confusing spot to be in. I love her and she deserves to be happy. And it so nice to see her smile and be all giggly. She says she is that way with me, but she's not. I mean we laugh and we have a good time. But she has never gotten all giggly and smiley like she did while she was on the phone.
She knew how I felt. She always does. And then she felt bad and guilt and all this. I told her the truth. She is stuck in an unhappy marriage and stuck in the house with kids all day. She deserves to be happy, even if it's not me that can make her happy. She started telling me how much she loves me and that if things were different she would be with me. I didn't think anything of it at first, but then she kept repeating it. We finally went to bed me on my side and her on her side. I was to afraid to even hold her.
The kids went to church Sunday and her and I talked. I asked why she kept saying that, but every time she would start to answer me a kid would interrupt or my sister would come in. Finally they left and we talked. I told ehr I didn't know if she was saying it just to reassure me or if she was telling me without tell me that we couldn't be any more than friends. She said both.
...
...
...
I just don't know what to do with this information. When she got her I took a shower and she washed my hair for me and we kissed and it was so sweet and intimate and then she says this. What do I do with this. I tried to get her to explain better but it didn't happen and I didn't want to her that she only wanted to be friends so I changed the subject and didn't listen. But I am so fucking confused....She doesn't want to be with me because of her situation. And she doesn't want to get close like that again cause she doesn't want to get hurt or have to risk pushing me again. Fucking Seth....Everything was perfect until he ruined it. I hate him. He has to take away everything good I have.
So in the end I don't where things are now. She says we can't be more than friends, but she loves me more than a friend. I don't get it. All I have ever tried to do is love her and let her know that someone cares.
I don't get it..I know I keep saying that, but it's true...I don't. And it's not a matter of sex. Not at all. I love how intimate things can be when there isn't any. I could love her the rest of my life without sex being an issue. I don't think she realizes what I'd do for her.

Bringing Zero back

We have been talking alot lately about the puppy play and bringing zero back. I have been waiting for him to start but nothing happens, or to much is happening. There is always somebody over here that won't leave. And right now I have the worst headache of my life, even my narcotics didn't touch the pain.
I have worked really hard to not get excited cause it will eventually just end up like it always does. But lately...lol
I don't even know how to explain this. I find myself slipping into puppy head space all the time now. We were having sex and Seth is going on about my girlfriend and how I like her to do this and that, and all I could think of was: If I was a puppy she would pet me and pet my pussy..lol And it's all not even sexual. I mean it is, but it's getting to be a puppy that turns me on, not the sexual stuff while being a puppy, that just takes me right out of the headspace. I hate it.
Anyways, even at night, I have caught myself whining in my sleep and dreaming about laying on the floor while watching a movie.
I'm starting to slip into it all on my own, and I don't know if that is a good thing or bad.... And I catch myself dreading and yearning for the time to come that we can start. I hate being a woman, it's confusing.
Story is supposed to come over tomorrow night but I don't know if she is. For a couple reasons. Seth is back on with saying he feels left out when I want to spend time with her and I tried to explain that when she is here I want to spend time her cause I don't get to other times. I can't seem to make him understand that how I mean it. I love him and I am with him all the time, but when she comes down I would like to be able to spend time with her without him stirring up arguments.
So that's the stuff for today. I have class in a couple hours, I am hoping my migraine will pass soon otherwise class is going to be hard. I slept through math and my mid term for theater yesterday. It sucks.

a good weekend

This has been a good week. Got out of school Thursday and went to Story's house. We're going home today, it's kinda sad. It's always sad when we have to separate. Anyways, just a note to say how great I have felt this weekend. I'm sad to go home but it's cool. The kids don't even want to go home.
D is getting booted. I am so done with all her shit. And she is meeting guys online and inviting them over. I am so....idk...pissed, i guess. So I am piecing together what to say to her.
So I am off to spend the last few hours with my baby.

My day, and a sex recap lol

Today has been a long day..It just dragged on and on and on. But it wasn't a bad day. I actually slept most the morning and afternoon. Bubby is sick and went to grandmas after school on wensday and we kept him home today. She said she was going to pick up Bean at 3 today and, surprise, surprise she decided she wasn't going to come. She does that every time, she was wants Bubby to stay the night and not Bean. I told her it was fucked up that I have to explain why Bubby gets to go to grandmas and not Bean, when she has been dressed and waiting to go.
So she showed up and picked up Bean...
Whatever, I am rambling. I had ASL tonight. We had a test, I think I aced it. In three weeks they are having a silent dinner. I can't wait to go to that! I am nervous, what if I end up being a wall flower....
Oh well, we'll see how it goes.
Seth and I are okay. We have been battling the whole lying issues...He can't stop lying over the stupidest shit. And it's not anything really important. So I am trying to not be the nagging wife. It's his laptop and if he fucks it up it's his fault. So that is the attitude I am trying to take. But sometimes I can't help but get pissy.
On another note we had some good sex. lol We watched this tv show episode called The Hunger. In one of the episodes this guy keeps asking this girl if another guy touched her and finally she said yes, on her shoulder. So he bit her hella hard on the shoulder and smacked her ass a couple times. He had her cuffed with her arms stretched out to either side, and he face down on the bed. He fucked her from behind and put a scarf around her face and used to to hold her head up while he fucked her... Anyways I told D about it and that it would have been hotter if it was around her neck. Cause her nose and her lip are all distorted and it just looked more funny than anything.
Any how Seth listened and when we started fucking he pulled a belt around my neck...omg If I can figure out how to come in doggie style I would have been in Orgasm Heaven!

So yeah that's my big news for the day. haha.

New Moon

OMG a new trailer!! I can't fucking wait!!!

New Moon

OMG...Almost makes me wish I was still in the Daddy/daughter shit, just so I have an excuse to be so excited. haha

if it's not one thing it's another

I cried. All day yesterday, i cried. And the whole time I cried he was looking at Porn. All his fake promises of I'll make it better and I love you....It's all bull shit. He just sat there watching me hurt and looking at porn... I can't take any more of this. My friend is going to California soon. I think I am going with her.

40 tips

Sounds so simple doesn't it.... Maybe it's not to late for someone else to use this advice.




1. Remember that one put-down can erase hours of kindness you give to your partner. Follow James Brolin’s advice: “Treat each other like eggs.”

2. It’s OK to disagree: if two people always agree, one of them isn’t necessary.

3. Compliment your partner often.

4. Develop good listening skills.

5. Keep in mind that we’re all trying to accomplish the same objectives in a relationship: acceptance, support, and affection.

6. Learn to handle conflict constructively.

7. Never say: “I told you so.”

8. Don’t take each other for granted.

9. Serve her breakfast in bed; include a long-stemmed red rose.

10. Have a sense of humor.

11. Be flexible.

12. Understand the importance of small touches and caresses.

13. Massage their feet; and give them a back rub.

14. Learn to tango.

15. Never betray their confidence.

16. Plan a lunch date.

17. Create a scrap book of your first year together.

18. Plan little surprises.

19. Keep a lock of his hair in a heart-shaped locket.

20. Flirt with each other.

21. Share the household chores.

22. Ride a bicycle built for two.

23. Never forget a single anniversary. Create a meaningful anniversary ritual.

24. Watch out for each other’s best interests.

25. Take a horse-drawn carriage ride.

26. Admit it when you’re wrong.

27. Befriend his/her friends.

28. Write each other love letters.

29. Follow William James’ advice: “The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook.”

30. Make romance a habit.

31. Don’t expect perfection.

32. Share your dreams with each other.

33. Be best friends as well as lovers.

34. Hold hands.

35. Don’t interrupt each other.

36. Make lots of eye contact.

37. Make a list for them: 101 reasons why I love you.

38. Call just to say “I love you”.

39. Make your partner feel special.

40. Promise each other to grow old together. Keep your promise.

Spongebob Squarepants

Just a couple pics from the party. It's my Bean and my bub. Me and the other one is me and Ann. The party was a roit! It was so awesome. WE had like 30 people here.
Anyways, just wanted to put up a couple pics.
I'll write more later... my head is killing me!

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

Well...Hi. Things are going alright. I talked to our therapist (provided by CPS) and our CPS worker. They both are going to close our case on the 5th of August. They said we have done everything and everything looks good.
Somehow the therapist has got Seth out looking for a job. I am trying to be supportive. He expects me to shout it from the rooftops that he got an interview. But this isn't the first time he has got a job. He's fine with working until the money has to go to bills. So I am being supportive, reserved, but still supportive.
Saturday is my Bean's 2nd birthday! Right now she is all about Spongebob. It is going to be awesome. I painted a spongebob and cut the face out so we can take pics of the kids. I painted a giant pineapple to play pin the sponge in his house.
Plus limbo and a shit load of bubbles. lol
God, it's going to be great!
I downloading all the spongebob music from the shows and some Harry Bellafonte and beach boys. I can't wait for Saturday!!!

So that's all that is really going on. Things will Seth have been okay. I haven't told him yet. But I think he knows....
When we have sex he spends the whole time describing Story to me or someone else. And all these details.
It ends up making me cry... Like it's weird. I am nowhere and then he starts telling me about some great night making out with a girl and taking her home... and so on. By then I....Well I just explode.... But I end up crying. I think it's out of the guilt. Guilt that I haven't told him. Or guilt cause....
Well shit I raised Catholic...I should just naturally have anot of guilt. lol

I don't know if I mentioned my sister on here.... She's out of job corps. She has her own apartment and a boyfriend. She has no food so she and her bf stay at my house all the time. Today I had to go to the food pantry. It was embarassing. But I just needed a little help to make it till the end of the month. I made gucii man (Her bf) go with me. He still don't have a job. It's sad. He is alot like Seth. The games, the lies...Ann is terrified of ending up like me. I don't blame her. She has watched this go on for all 6 years. I'm scared too.

Fear of the unknown....

So that's it for now. Gotta eat dinner and watch Harper Valley PTA.. haha.

Stinkfist

Something has to change.
Un-deniable dilemma.
Boredom's not a burden
Anyone should bear.

Constant over stimu-lation numbs me
but I would not want you
any other way.

It's not enough.
I need more.
Nothing seems to satisfy.
I don't want it.
I just need it.
To breathe, to feel, to know I'm alive.

Finger deep within the borderline.
Show me that you love me and that we belong together.
Relax, turn around and take my hand.

I can help you change
Tired moments into pleasure.
Say the word and we'll be
Well upon our way.

Blend and balance
Pain and comfort
Deep within you
Till you will not want me any other way.

It's not enough.
I need more.
Nothing seems to satisfy.
I don't want it.
I just need it.
To breathe, to feel, to know I'm alive.

Knuckle deep inside the borderline.
This may hurt a little but it's something you'll get used to.
Relax. Slip away.

Something kinda sad about
the way that things have come to be.
Desensitized to everything.
What became of subtlety?

How can this mean anything to me
If I really don't feel anything at all?

I'll keep digging till
I feel something.

Elbow deep inside the borderline.
Show me that you love me and that we belong together.
Shoulder deep within the borderline.
Relax. Turn around and take my hand.

There is just something about this song... I can see many ways to interpret it but, the numbness. The numbness is what sticks out to me. The over stimulation.
I am so used to hurt and pain. I have felt it and lived it my whole life. And it has a numb effect on me. Death and suicide are my obsessions, cause someday they will save me from the hurt and pain.
Everyone looks down on me for this, for my depression. But I don't know another way. And if I found another way, would it change anything? Would it change me and who I am? Why can't I be loved for being this way.
Sometimes I think I do need to change. I'm so down and out sometimes that it seems pointless to try, but what if I did.
I found a girl, my Story, that makes me so happy. But even with her suicide is on my mind. What would it take to change me? To make me a happy person, proud to be alive?
....
....
....
Really? I just don't know. I think I like being me. I live being numb and plotting my demise.

Jane

A new start

So this is the first post... Today is June 2nd. It's my birthday. I got t spend a few minutes with my kids, and a couple happy birthdays. I did laundry and cleaned up a bit, still gotta do the bathroom. I went to domestic violence group. But I didn't get to talk. (there was a new girl who would not shut up.)
I am starting over in the blogging world. My life is no longer about BDSM. I need a place to start fresh.
I am Jane. I am 26. I have 2 kids, a boy and a girl. I have been married almost 6 years.
I have lived in domestic violence for 5 years now. I have severe depression and I am obsessed with suicide... I will get out of here...Someday.
My mother in law has my children and has had them for the last month. I miss them so much. CPS has them with her and hasn't given us a date they can come back. My husband is Seth. I'm not really sure what to tell you about him. He is him. He had an episode...I don't know what else to call it besides a tantrum. That is all I can think of is a child who doesn't get their way so they throw a fit. This is about the 5th or 6th time he has done this. He destroys anything he can get a hold of that is mine or means something to me. A big one this time was my computer. I am starting college in August.
There was a lot of things he broke, but this time he hurt my baby girl.
And it's more than he just hurt her. He took alot of drugs and kept passing out. I kept the kids in the bedroom, but he had kicked in the door. So they were seeing everything. My son thought he was dead every time he passed out and fell into something. I called my dad, begging him to help me, at the very least to come get my kids. He refused. He said I need to learn to protect them if I am going to stay with someone so abusive. Call the cops.
Well I did, sorta. I called for an ambulance because of all the drugs he took. He denied it all of course and refused treatment. So they made sure he wasn't dying and left. One of the cops talked with me and said they now he is lying and if I need help to call them again. I spent a bit of time trying to pick up what was left of my things and it started all over again, this time throwing stuff at me. So I called them back. While the one officer was very nice, the other was an asshole. They ended up taking him to a hotel so he could sleep off all the shit he took. The kids and I went to bed.
The next morning it wasn't done. He busted in the door, which he swears was locked. (It wasn't)
I called my dad. He called the cops. The cops called CPS and here we are.
We were involved with a girl...I was involved with a girl when all this happened. (She was Sissy in my other blog, but now she is Story.) I fell in love with Story almost two months before this all began. But I wasn't allowed to "be" with her unless he could watch and be in it, or pervert it in some god damn way. And he got his way. I told her I would deal with the hurt feelings. And there we were. When this all blew up she left. She is married and we were all under the agreement that is was between us. And he told. And the therapist we were seeing told. And she had her own shit to deal with now.

So this is the basic jist of where we are. Where I am. Story didn't talk to me for a month. Now she is, and it feels so good. She won't talk to Seth yet. I made it very clear if I was going to stay and work this out with him then he would have to accept that she is a part of me. And if that's not okay then I am going to have to go, move on. He agreed that is was okay, that it had always been okay. Bullshit, this morning started the jealousy, that I don't talk to her the same as him, or I call her baby, but I only call him honey.
I know what your thinking, cut him some slack... I am. I understand it's an awkward situation. But he understood how it was from the beginning. He knew I liked girls. I am not bi and married. I am lesbian and married. But I do still have sex with my husband, but I will never have sex with another guy again. I was made for a girl.
Everything is on rocky ground right now. I am in domestic violence group and we are seeing a marriage councilor, going to parenting classes and random inspections. I am trying to work things out and go along with the new therapist, even though he is an idiot. Seth likes him and Seth is the one that needs help....
So that's what's happening.
Today I am very depressed. It's my birthday and....I have nothing to show for it. No body cares.